Fear of #GOing

“You should go on missions.”

“Are you  going to STSM this summer?”

I’ve always wanted to go on missions and encounter how God moves in the mission field. However ever since high school, I was interested in the idea of going, yet my heart was never fully ready for that commitment. It was always in the mind that I had thoughts of going, and not in the heart.

I don’t know why but this year, God is growing my heart for missions.

One prayer I had going into this school year was for God to break me in ways where I can totally become dependent on Him and learn to love Him regardless the hardships encountered. I am being broken in many ways, one of them is through the people that He’s been placing in my life. He’s also softening my heart and making me into an emotional person than a logical person. I didn’t have much problem loving people either, but He’s creating situations where it makes me hard to love at times so I can see the depth of His love for me even if I’ve turned my back multiple times on Him.

Whenever people talk to me about missions or tell me about their mission’s testimony, not only does it feed me curiosity, but also surprises me on how God is so active in showing His grace and love in the mission fields. I want to see Him move, and I want to be used by God to fulfill His purpose.

Matthew 28: 19-20: “Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.”

I’m scared. I love the fact how I have the heart and desire to go, but I hate the fact how I am not 100% relying on God. I’m in fear because I’m scared that I won’t be able to raise enough money to support myself. I’m scared that I will end up being a burden to my team rather than being someone that’s helpful. And I’m scared that my personal weakness will in any way hurt the ones around me.

I lack in faith and that makes it hard for me to believe that God will ultimately provide. I’m so mad at myself because I lack in trading my worries for the greater glory of God. I’m praying that God will teach me to be more faithful, to be more dependent, and to completely lay my life before Him.

 

Fear of #GOing

Beauty in God’s Creation

When I ask people about their first impression of me the usual answer I get is very negative. People would often say that I looked hard to approach, that I look intimidating, that I look like a girl that would party, drink, go out, or that I look mad.

Yes, I do understand why people may view me in this way and I don’t blame them for thinking of me this way either since first impressions can’t be helped. My outer image does look pretty intimidating with the amount of eye makeup I put on and the soulless resting face I have when I’m alone may result in me giving off a strong vibe.

However even if I did understand the reasons to these first impressions, and even if I tried to compromise to myself that it was okay, in the end it did hurt. When I found out that people didn’t approach me because of these reasons and that they avoided reaching out to me just because they based me on these impressions, it got me sad.

‘Do they actually know who I am?’

‘But…I don’t even party and I never even touched alcohol before? I’m not even curious about the party life?’

‘I’m actually pretty weird and nice?’

I never really cared about my image nor did I mind people’s first impressions until the first year of college. Since I was put in a place with new surroundings and new people, I wanted to find my belonging in a community where I could be loved. But since I wasn’t getting back the love I was expecting only to realize that I was receiving judgement and favoritism, it hurt me more than it was supposed to. And the more I started to rely on people’s views on my image, it shifted me away from what God thought of me.

Isaiah 64:8– “But now, O Lord, You are our Father; we are the clay, and you are our potter; we are all the work of your hand.”

There shouldn’t be such a term such as “ugly” used on people. For God created everyone in His image and to call them in negative terms or judging them a certain way for appearance, it is ultimately saying God’s creation is flawed and that in itself is sin. The moment I placed my values in people’s perspective on myself, was the moment I lost the truth that God loves me for me inside and out. He is my perfect and sovereign creator, and He loves me despite how intimidating or mad I look. He loves me despite the countless amount of times I sin and despite the number of times I turn my back on Him. This made me realize how foolish I was in trading God’s unconditional love for worldly views on myself.

True, first impressions can’t be helped. But to the ones that may get offended or hurt due to first impressions, I want to encourage to you all that impressions honestly does not matter. Find your value in God, and you will always be content for there is beauty in God’s creations.

1 Samuel 16:7– “But the LORD said to Samuel, “Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.”

 

Beauty in God’s Creation

Finding My Purpose

I used to be discontent with where I was during my first year at UC Riverside. I didn’t feel as connected to the community here and was distressed at the fact that I even went to Riverside. With that said, freshman year was coming to a close and it was that time of year when KCM servant team applications were open for sign-up. People were telling each other to join servant team, and a few spoke to me to join. And in the end, I mindlessly sent my application not knowing what God would have in store for me.

God is gracious. He placed a purpose in my heart when I didn’t hold a reason to serve. He told me to have compassion for those who haven’t met Christ, and clearly told me that my purpose of serving in KCM was to love the ones that are broken. This really excited me because throughout my freshmen year at UC Riverside, I was numb to my senses and felt that my purpose was only to fulfill the requirements as a college student. But God being a gracious God, He placed a greater purpose for me that I can hold onto and execute.

Ephesians 4:2 -“Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing one another with love.”

I see myself growing through the outreach committee that God has placed me in. Through events like Hugs & Prayer, I became more compassionate towards nonbelievers. Through HOUR (Humans of UC Riverside) which is a replacement of random EV, I had the opportunity to connect with strangers on a personal level which sometimes led to conversations about Christianity. Being present in these events helped me grow a heart for my campus.

1 John 4:8– “Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.”

God is love, and He is teaching me to love. I’m always thankful to God for placing me in outreach, because the more I serve in this committee, my love for the people here increases. Through the physical, tangible contact of hugs and prayer, through the personal interviews, and through the other outreach events, not only has God used me to show His love to others, but also showed me His love for me through the people I interacted with.

My purpose is to love not only God, but also the broken. Sometimes it can be hard to do so, but why should that be an excuse to stop loving when a perfect and sovereign God loved us first, the broken sinners? Through it all, all glory to God.

Finding My Purpose

Short Introduction

It’s 2017 and one resolution that I have is to write and be consistent in doing so. I’m not the best writer nor do I like to write, but I find it crucial to track my growth in life as well as my walk in God through writing.

No promises that I’ll be persistent, but I’m going to do my best to express my thoughts, feelings, experiences, and life here.

Short Introduction