Fear of #GOing

“You should go on missions.”

“Are you  going to STSM this summer?”

I’ve always wanted to go on missions and encounter how God moves in the mission field. However ever since high school, I was interested in the idea of going, yet my heart was never fully ready for that commitment. It was always in the mind that I had thoughts of going, and not in the heart.

I don’t know why but this year, God is growing my heart for missions.

One prayer I had going into this school year was for God to break me in ways where I can totally become dependent on Him and learn to love Him regardless the hardships encountered. I am being broken in many ways, one of them is through the people that He’s been placing in my life. He’s also softening my heart and making me into an emotional person than a logical person. I didn’t have much problem loving people either, but He’s creating situations where it makes me hard to love at times so I can see the depth of His love for me even if I’ve turned my back multiple times on Him.

Whenever people talk to me about missions or tell me about their mission’s testimony, not only does it feed me curiosity, but also surprises me on how God is so active in showing His grace and love in the mission fields. I want to see Him move, and I want to be used by God to fulfill His purpose.

Matthew 28: 19-20: “Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.”

I’m scared. I love the fact how I have the heart and desire to go, but I hate the fact how I am not 100% relying on God. I’m in fear because I’m scared that I won’t be able to raise enough money to support myself. I’m scared that I will end up being a burden to my team rather than being someone that’s helpful. And I’m scared that my personal weakness will in any way hurt the ones around me.

I lack in faith and that makes it hard for me to believe that God will ultimately provide. I’m so mad at myself because I lack in trading my worries for the greater glory of God. I’m praying that God will teach me to be more faithful, to be more dependent, and to completely lay my life before Him.

 

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Fear of #GOing

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