My Past Relationship (finish this!!)

Before I write anything, I just want to say that I’m so glad that this happened. Through my first relationship, I’ve grown as a person in ways where I became more aware of my love language and became exposed to what I lacked. But most importantly, I’ve learned so much in what a relationship should look like and what should be in its’ core.

Looking back, my relationship was not the healthiest. I started dating with the intentions of just wanting a boyfriend and to experience what it feels like to have someone belong to you. I didn’t think through nor did I really ask my close friends for input and just went straight into the relationship. Furthermore, I didn’t pray about the potential relationship because back then I was blinded with the idea of getting a first boyfriend.

When I dated, everything was new to me. I never held hands, went on fancy valentines dinner dates, receive love letters, or go on Clipper games for monthly anniversaries. He literally spoiled me in every way possible and was the best boyfriend that he could have been. He always drove down for an hour or more every Friday to see me, always bought me meals no matter how many times I’ve offered to split the bill, showered me with dates to places that I’ve never been before (I live under a rock), and showed me love that I’ve never received before. (Disclaimer: I’m not saying I’ve never received love or I grew up with an inadequacy of love. I mean love as in receiving love from your significant other.)

Everything seemed perfect. I felt loved and as every month passed by, our relationship got deeper and stronger. There were times when we did argue about the stupidest things but in the end, we always tried to come to a common ground and resolve it.

But something was off. I felt loved, I felt special, but something was missing and I was searching for what that was for the longest time. It took me a while to come across what was missing in the relationship.

Intimacy.

Intimacy when two Christians come together to glorify one God, cherishing each other as significant others but also as brothers and sisters before Christ, and growing together in faith. The problem was, he wasn’t Christian. I did try to talk to him about Christ and Christianity but he as very closed off about those topics and rather questioned and tried to rebuttal against it. To me, there was to a certain point where our

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My Past Relationship (finish this!!)

For a Greater Need

Before going to Missions Rally Night (MRN), I had many doubts about going to missions. I was scared at not being able to provide over 3K for mission funds, I was worried that I wasn’t ready or worthy of going, and I was hesitant because I thought I would end up being a burden to my team. Most importantly, I wasn’t sure if my heart was even at the right place; To serve God with all my heart, soul, and strength. I’ve been constantly thinking about this throughout fall quarter and onto winter quarter and my prayers to God consisted of an open heart to hear His voice and see His guidance.

Holding deeply onto all my worries, fears, and doubts, I went to MRN hoping for an answer from God that would put an end to my questions.

Before anything, I prayed to God:

‘God, I’m here before You..broken. I’m so confused, so worried, so fearful and doubtful…I long to go to missions, but I don’t know if I’m even ready or even worthy to go. I’m so scared God. What if I can’t meet my needs? What if something happens in the mission field? What if I can’t accomplish Your works? Please open my eyes, heart, and ears to listen to what You have to say to me…Please soften my heart so I hear you ever so loudly’

And as I prayed, He answered my prayers through the sermon Pastor Richard gave that night.

What PR preached that night were answers to all my doubts. One thing that stuck out to me the most was the fact that the world is in great need of Christ, and that there are so many that haven’t heard about the good news. I visited Cambodia, East Asia, and Philippines to learn more about the countries and listening to the statistics of each country broke me. I wasn’t fully aware of how popular sex trafficking was in Cambodia and how women and young girls suffer daily with sexual image and sexual desires from men. I knew that it was illegal to spread Christianity in China but that idea was never tangible for me until I was exposed to the testimonies and experiences told by the past STSM trainees. I had no idea about Philippines but I’ve learned that it is heavily populated with Catholics.

My heart was so heavy. It was heavy because I felt so much guilt within myself because I felt selfish. How did I say I loved God when I couldn’t even trade my comfort, fears, and even one summer for the greater glory of God? He’s given me, shown me, and blessed me with many things and yet I was always hesitant when it came to me sacrificing for Him. I was so thankful that through MRN I was convicted to go to missions and that my purpose of going was clear; to go for the greater commission and to lay my life before Christ and fully serve Him.

“It is not fame that I desire
Nor stature in my brother’s eye
I pray it’s said about my life
That I lived more to build Your name than mine

– The Cause of Christ-

Kari Jobe

 

 

For a Greater Need