Write about what I learned with my wants of going to STSM and what God showed me throught that
Before going to Missions Rally Night (MRN), I had many doubts about going to missions. I was scared at not being able to provide over 3K for mission funds, I was worried that I wasn’t ready or worthy of going, and I was hesitant because I thought I would end up being a burden to my team. Most importantly, I wasn’t sure if my heart was even at the right place; To serve God with all my heart, soul, and strength. I’ve been constantly thinking about this throughout fall quarter and onto winter quarter and my prayers to God consisted of an open heart to hear His voice and see His guidance.
Holding deeply onto all my worries, fears, and doubts, I went to MRN hoping for an answer from God that would put an end to my questions.
Before anything, I prayed to God:
‘God, I’m here before You..broken. I’m so confused, so worried, so fearful and doubtful…I long to go to missions, but I don’t know if I’m even ready or even worthy to go. I’m so scared God. What if I can’t meet my needs? What if something happens in the mission field? What if I can’t accomplish Your works? Please open my eyes, heart, and ears to listen to what You have to say to me…Please soften my heart so I hear you ever so loudly’
And as I prayed, He answered my prayers through the sermon Pastor Richard gave that night.
What PR preached that night were answers to all my doubts. One thing that stuck out to me the most was the fact that the world is in great need of Christ, and that there are so many that haven’t heard about the good news. I visited Cambodia, East Asia, and Philippines to learn more about the countries and listening to the statistics of each country broke me. I wasn’t fully aware of how popular sex trafficking was in Cambodia and how women and young girls suffer daily with sexual image and sexual desires from men. I knew that it was illegal to spread Christianity in China but that idea was never tangible for me until I was exposed to the testimonies and experiences told by the past STSM trainees. I had no idea about Philippines but I’ve learned that it is heavily populated with Catholics.
My heart was so heavy. It was heavy because I felt so much guilt within myself because I felt selfish. How did I say I loved God when I couldn’t even trade my comfort, fears, and even one summer for the greater glory of God? He’s given me, shown me, and blessed me with many things and yet I was always hesitant when it came to me sacrificing for Him. I was so thankful that through MRN I was convicted to go to missions and that my purpose of going was clear; to go for the greater commission and to lay my life before Christ and fully serve Him.
“It is not fame that I desire
Nor stature in my brother’s eye
I pray it’s said about my life
That I lived more to build Your name than mine”
– The Cause of Christ-
“You should go on missions.”
“Are you going to STSM this summer?”
I’ve always wanted to go on missions and encounter how God moves in the mission field. However ever since high school, I was interested in the idea of going, yet my heart was never fully ready for that commitment. It was always in the mind that I had thoughts of going, and not in the heart.
I don’t know why but this year, God is growing my heart for missions.
One prayer I had going into this school year was for God to break me in ways where I can totally become dependent on Him and learn to love Him regardless the hardships encountered. I am being broken in many ways, one of them is through the people that He’s been placing in my life. He’s also softening my heart and making me into an emotional person than a logical person. I didn’t have much problem loving people either, but He’s creating situations where it makes me hard to love at times so I can see the depth of His love for me even if I’ve turned my back multiple times on Him.
Whenever people talk to me about missions or tell me about their mission’s testimony, not only does it feed me curiosity, but also surprises me on how God is so active in showing His grace and love in the mission fields. I want to see Him move, and I want to be used by God to fulfill His purpose.
Matthew 28: 19-20: “Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.”
I’m scared. I love the fact how I have the heart and desire to go, but I hate the fact how I am not 100% relying on God. I’m in fear because I’m scared that I won’t be able to raise enough money to support myself. I’m scared that I will end up being a burden to my team rather than being someone that’s helpful. And I’m scared that my personal weakness will in any way hurt the ones around me.
I lack in faith and that makes it hard for me to believe that God will ultimately provide. I’m so mad at myself because I lack in trading my worries for the greater glory of God. I’m praying that God will teach me to be more faithful, to be more dependent, and to completely lay my life before Him.